On exploring my inner shaman, and coming to terms with my
inner critic...
Today I was asked to help facilitate a ritual of celebration
and benediction at a seminar I attended this weekend. I had no idea what the ritual would entail,
but I found myself agreeing eagerly before my inner critic kicked in. After a minute or so, I realized this
negative voice was starting to bubble up, but I decidedly shook it down. I didn't have the patience today to argue
with her, so I just trundled through the rest of the afternoon, waiting for the
close of the seminar.
We all have this critic, this self-talk that goes on in our
heads. It tells us we aren't good
enough; or we don't have the skills for this-or-that; or that we would be found
out to be a fraud; or that blah-blah-blah.
This negative feedback loop is so destructive, and yet it can be so
insidious in its commentary. We think we
just bottle it up and it goes away, but really, we are just simply ignoring
it. That critic is still in our
subconscious, prattling on and on and on, and now it has become background
noise in our head. It is the white noise
frequency that we forget about, but it is still informing every thought,
action, and word we think, do, or say.
My work with The Idisi has pushed me beyond the stifling of
this inner critic, and instead into the scary realm of acknowledging its
existence and dealing with it from a place of patience and power. Acknowledging my critic is not giving
credence to what it says, nor is it "assimilating in order to
transform" its hurtful words.
Instead, the acknowledgement gives it (and really, "it" is
"me") the space to be heard, the patience to hear its grievances, and
then sending it out on an errand, or to coffee, so to speak, to give myself a
break.
Amazingly, this works for me. The hurtful self-talk is indeed from myself,
conscious or otherwise. I will never be
able to full exorcise that part of my inner mind, but acknowledging it exists
gives me a frame of reference to be aware when it rises up - to be aware when a
negative thought-deed-word may not truly be from the best part of me.
This critic has bested me for a long time, arguing with me
over vocations, friendships, family issues, education, and spiritual
things. Almost always my critic plays
devil's advocate for whatever I might be going through at the time, and devil's
advocate for the sheer provocation of it!
However, because of the chanty work I do with The Idisi, the need for
neutrality and yet mindful presence, and the opportunity to open my piehole for
bold singing - these facets have given a way for me to wrestle with my critic,
and in the end, send her out for toilet paper (if only she would really pick up
TP, that would be magic!)
I am now pursuing a degree in theology and pastoral
ministry, which for a long time I realize my self-talk was telling me wasn't
worth the effort ("You won't actually make any money, will
you?") I am working with the Sacred
Art of Living Center toward germinating a career in hospice and funeral
chaplaincy, which was scoffed at ("What makes you think dying people will
take you seriously at age 30, hmmm?")
I am growing in a church community, which has been an absent part of my
spiritual life for awhile ("You don't need church, nobody really likes you
there anyway, they are just gossiping about you, etc.") I continue to sing and explore new sacred
music, and hope to continue with The Idisi and our work for many seasons to
come ("Your voice isn't gorgeous, it's just pretty basic. Plus who are you to give opinions to the
others in the group who have more performing experience than you?")
So you see, in spite of all the negative feedback from my
critic -I mean- myself, I have found a way to be patient and move forward with
it. These are tools I learned from
singing and being in community with the other women in The Idisi, and I hope I
have helped facilitate their learning as well.
Back to today's ritual...there were elements of many
religious traditions present, each one meant to give a blessing to each
participant. Thankfully, I was not
specifically offering the blessing, but engaging everyone in my element to partake
in the way he or she saw fit. Long story
short, I was meant to hold space. A lot
of space. 70 participants worth of
space. I realized, after the ritual,
that had I not the experience with The Idisi holding song space for extended
periods of time, I don't think I would have lasted very long in a healthy
way. After the ritual, our main
facilitator of the seminar thanked me for participating, and said "I knew
it had to be you, because I knew you could hold the space reverently, and yet
have a bit of levity to put everyone at ease when they came to your
element."
I was so touched by her words, and so grateful for her
confidence in me, I rushed home to try and put all the thoughts tumbling around
in my head into this blog post, which indeed, has been a long time coming. Of course, my critic is sitting right here
beside me as I work, but she is simply checking my spelling and punctuation,
happy not to be relegated yet again to finding me some eggs or something.
(For those wondering, I held the "bread" of the
communion table: a ritual cake made from corn pollen, water, oil of gilead, and
healing soil from Chimayo, NM. Needless
to say, I'm sure, there was a spectrum of reactions from "meh." to
borderline disgust with the thought of eating dirt, even dirt of healing.)
~ a wyld woman named Cachel N
